When writing, try to keep constantly in mind not how YOU, the narrator, perceive the scene, but how your CHARACTER perceives it. Too easy is it to write what happens without giving the reader insight as to how your characters feel about what happens.  This is a case where “telling” can trump “showing”. Sometimes it adds dynamic to spin outside your character’s head, but occasionally spinning back in again helps the reader to connect and feel a part of the story instead of hovering outside of it.

Write your books through your character’s eyes and mind, not your own.

This, of course, came up because I just rewrote the opening paragraph for my next chapter. The following is unedited, but you should still get the gist of how the feeling for the scene changes simply by moving into my character’s head instead of outside of it.

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Original:

It was a while before any of them could find the strength to speak. Mikey was the first, pointing at a little yellow bird that had alighted on the ground in front of them. They had been forging their way through the overgrown jungle, ducking beneath leaves the size of baby elephants, winding around brightly colored mushrooms that grew taller than their heads and vines and moss that grew like curtains across their path. So far, though, the jungle had been silent except for the wind, not a bird or a bee in sight, and the little yellow bird drew them up short, staring. It fluttered to a bush a few feet away and turned around and chirped at them.

“I think it wants us to follow it,” Mikey said.

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And revised:

Jane didn’t at first notice the eerie stillness of the jungle that surrounded them. Her mind was filled with the dimming of the stars in the Red Stag’s blue eyes and the shine of his golden wings. She hung her head, ignoring the plants that slapped her face and the dew that shook down onto her back. A lonely wind soughed through the vines that hung like curtains from graceful, curving branches and shook leaves the size of baby elephants, arching above their chosen path.

“Do you think it wants us to follow it?” Mikey asked, and Jane looked around, for a moment shaken out her despair.

There was a little yellow bird perched upon a low bush in front of them, and it hopped to another bush, turned, and fluttered its wings at them.

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Personally, I like the second one SO MUCH BETTER. It feels more character-driven and sets a deeper mood. But what about you guys? When do you think it’s appropriate to dive into the character’s head and other times to pull outside of it?

I wonder how this concept can be applied to comics as well?