My feet feel light as air. My heart flutters with joy and my lips curl into a smile at every small thing. I feel as though wings have been placed on my shoulders and lifted my soul.

Yet nothing spectacular has happened. I just feel … as though I’m at peace with the world. It’s been beating me down, hammering me down into the ground every day, without rest or peace. I’ve been ill, physically and mentally. Last week, I let out such a scream of rage, standing in the kitchen, crying, weeping, falling to the floor and shaking with anger. And yet, at that moment, I felt a certain odd peace. A bit of my soul broke through the wall I’d built in an attempt to maintain my sanity, and a little bit of crazy gave me peace.

My art is my life. My writing is my life. To have neither left me feeling hopeless, helpless, and humorless.

So what’s changed? I don’t know. I’ve had more stresses piled on top of me. The Census work demands every hour and minute of my day, and the only days I’ve had “off” have been riddled with IUDs, bladder infections, sinus infections, and colds … a marching parade of illness and stress. And finally, it just broke, and upon breaking, I feel strengthened …

I have no answer for why this is, only that I feel that somehow, even after breaking, I still survived, and an odd pride at being able to bear it without hurting the people around me (well … Matt’s suffered along with me, being the hand that’s cradled my back when I’ve curled up, shivering with stress … ). I haven’t lashed out. I’ve still treated everyone around me with love and respect. And I feel such a strange odd pride at that … just that small thing makes me feel like a better person, makes me believe that deep down inside, I’m a GOOD person because there have been times I’ve wondered.

I hope that’s true. And I hope that someday, when I’ve saved up enough, when I’ve found a clear space to think again, that I’ll be able to share that love and laughter and joy with the world again by producing more books.

In the meantime, I meet strangers’ eyes and smile and feel love in my heart. I practice sharing joy through small, barely perceptible actions instead of broad, grand sweeping ones. I’d forgotten how important it is to daily practice love, that pouring it all into my larger works isn’t enough, and that it needs to be often divided into smaller portions.

I want to be a better person. I want to only speak good to others. There will be no more negativity or despair in my life, only joy and hope and passion and the will to break through the seemingly insurmountable blocks in my life to find the gems hidden within.